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Can I Transform my Marriage?

The Path to a Transformed Marriage

“I am not perfect.”

That may be the most important sentence a husband or wife can say.

In marriage, we often drift into thinking that our biggest problem is our spouse. But the truth is this: we are not at war with our spouse — we are at war with sin. And the most dangerous sin in our marriage is usually not “out there.” It is in here. It is our own selfishness.

God’s Purpose in Marriage

In Ephesians 5:24–27, Paul gives us a breathtaking vision of marriage. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church — giving Himself up for her, cleansing her, and presenting her radiant and blameless. This passage shows us something profound:

God’s ultimate purpose in marriage is not primarily happiness — it is holiness.

Happiness is real. It is beautiful. But it sits on the other side of holiness.

As C. S. Lewis once wrote, if we allow God to work, He will make us into “dazzling, radiant, immortal creatures.” But the process is long — and often painful. That is what we are in for. Nothing less.

Marriage is one of God’s primary tools for that transformation.

The Key to Transformation: Confession & Repentance

If holiness is the goal, then confession and repentance are the pathway.

Confession is agreeing with God and bringing our sin into the light.
Repentance is taking full responsibility, turning from sin to God, and committing to change.

Unconfessed and unrepented sin hardens the heart. And a hard heart is far more dangerous to a marriage than any single failure.

A hard heart resists the loving squeeze of the Holy Spirit. It justifies. It deflects. It defends.

This often happens when a spouse gently points out something that hurt them. Instead of confessing, we self-justify. We explain. We defend. We minimize.

Self-justification is especially dangerous because it allows sin to take root while convincing us we’re fine. You can read your Bible, attend a marriage seminar, worship passionately — and still be blind to sin because you’ve excused it.

Jesus speaks about this in John 9:41. Physical blindness knows it is blind. Spiritual blindness thinks it can see.

We rename gossip “sharing prayer requests.”
We rename stinginess “good stewardship.”
We rename harshness “just being honest.”

Pride tells us we don’t need to change. But marriage constantly exposes our blind spots — and no one sees those blind spots more clearly than our spouse.

And that can feel terrifying.

We often avoid confession because we fear shame and guilt. But that reveals something deeper: we have forgotten the gospel.

God already knows. He does not expose sin to shame us but to heal us. He has already forgiven us at the cross. When confronted with sin, we don’t need to defend ourselves. We are free to confess, repent, and receive grace.

The Two Transformational Powers in Marriage

Marriage is dynamic and transformative because of two powerful forces:

1. Truth

Your spouse sees what you cannot see. Blind spots are the only sins that can truly enslave you.

Marriage is the closest, most inescapable human relationship. No one is more affected by your flaws than your spouse. Often, your greatest confrontation in marriage is not with your spouse — but with yourself.

2. Love

Your spouse’s love has extraordinary weight. Their words can lift you or wound you more deeply than anyone else’s.

From the beginning in Genesis, we see that we were created for horizontal relationships. But we must remember: our spouse cannot give us what only God can give.

The love we display toward our spouse reflects our love for God. Often the real issue is not that we don’t love our spouse enough — it’s that we don’t love God enough.

And we must guard against sacrificing our families “in the name of ministry.” We cannot minister effectively if our primary ministry — our family — is unhealthy.

 

A Four-Step Game Plan for Transformation

How do truth and love work themselves out practically?

1. Keep Short Accounts

In Ephesians 4:26–27, Paul tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger.

Don’t let sin sit unaddressed. Don’t allow bitterness to grow roots.

2. When You Are Sinned Against: Give It to God

Before confronting your spouse, give the offense to God.

Celebrate and remember the grace presently being poured out on you. Remember how deeply you are loved. Remember your own need for mercy.

Giving it to God does not mean pretending wrong is right. It means refusing to carry bitterness or assume the role of judge.

Then, fix your eyes not merely on the temporary offense but on the eternal work God is doing. As 2 Corinthians 4:16–18 reminds us, there is an eternal glory being formed.

See the flashes of glory in your spouse. Help them become who God is making them to be.

Only then are you ready to confront — with humility and grace.

Confrontation must balance truth and love. Love without truth prevents growth. Truth without love destroys intimacy. The answer is grace.

We confront not to hurt, but to heal.

3. When You Are Confronted: Confess

Confession is the doorway to growth.

You cannot force your spouse to confess. But you can create an environment of grace where confession feels safe.

Commit to a confessional lifestyle:

  • Be lovingly honest.

  • Refuse self-justification.

  • Be quick to admit wrong.

  • Commit to the process of change.

  • Greet confession with encouragement.

  • Refuse to weaponize the past.

Change is a process, not an event. Confession is not the end — it is the beginning of becoming more like Jesus.

As 1 John 1:8–9 reminds us, when we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive and purify us.

4. Forgive & Reconcile

Colossians 3:12–14 calls us to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience — and forgiveness.

Why do we resist forgiving?

Because it gives us power.
Because it gives us a sense of superiority.
Because it makes the other person “owe” us.
Because we like being in control.

But we are not God.

When we sin, God is the ultimate offended party (Psalm 51:4). And yet He invites us to confess and receive mercy.

Forgiveness breaks destructive patterns. It keeps us from treating one another as enemies. It frees us from retribution. It anchors us in grace.

When forgiveness flows:

  • We stop panicking at failure.

  • We stop seeking revenge.

  • We stop defining each other by worst moments.

  • We rest in God’s ongoing work.

The Hope of a Beautiful Marriage

Confession and forgiveness are not signs of weakness. They are signs that God is actively transforming you.

Marriage is not a battleground between husband and wife. It is a workshop where God is shaping two imperfect people into something radiant.

And because of God’s grace, we can rest in this promise:

He will never stop working to make your marriage beautiful.

Our church offers a variety of Small Groups with the Marriage Group being one of the most vital to a thriving marriage. To join our marriage group or learn more, fill out the form below.

 

This post was taken from a sermon taught by Pastor Josh Lotzenhiser, listen to it below.